I have seen the movie Clue over a hundred times.
I know every word and sound. It puts me to sleep when nothing else will.

I watched it when I was by myself on Thanksgiving.
And it made me feel safe. It was familiar. (and more dependable than family)
It was the best thanks(giving) I have had in a long time.

I like comfortable. I need comfortable things. I have very few of them.

The past year has been the hardest yet. My heart/mind/stability has been ripped. And I have not let it heal. I tend to sit in my own despair. I have been let down more than usual. But most of all, I have let myself down. Hurt is familiar.

It is comfortable.

So how do I stop? How do I stop these habits/mindset that keeps me in this place? Just stop. Right?

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day
It's too hot to sleep and time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal
There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

How do you know? but you do, oh you do.

And that is what I long for. connections with people about real things. little by little, my comfortable will change. As I love, I can change. I haven't loved enough lately. I can not depend on people. But I can depend on love. I will love my way through this pain. Not around. Through.

the pictures are becoming darker
but the memories are as bright as they’ve always been
why can’t I want the things that I have while I have them
instead of being addicted to the pain of being without them

I don’t know why I look at the pictures over and over
making the pain grow harder and my heart colder
I forget what it feels like to be held so close
as that picture in Hawaii when we’re lying on the couch

because we just got done dancing
and kissing with our eyes closed
the hurt is so sharp that it doesn’t seem real
that my heart could have really gone that far

I’m singing the blues tonight
With a heart so heavy that I can’t escape
the pictures proving my complete trust in you
my heart has bended more than it can take

I can’t be angry tonight
because all I can think of is how happy I was with you
looking at the san Francisco bridge and falling in love on New Years night
I am just sad. completely sad without you.

it has to be better not together because we’re not.
but this suffering has left me with nothing to depend on
and a selfishness that leaves me useless to anyone

if there is a time to live and a time to die
my time to cry has been far too long
my life could possibly be a joke
or a tool for God to prove a fucking point.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to concentrate, I feel like I might lose control of my body if I keep sitting in my chair. At these points, I have to get up and leave the classroom. It is starting to happen more often. Every class. And I think it's starting to upset my teachers.

Sometimes, I text you just because I know you are going to reassure me. You are the definition of love to me. You know more about me than I have ever told you. I missed you more than anyone on my birthday. I think it is important to have days set aside to remind us of our forgotten memories, but they have been hard for me lately. Because the things that matter to me are far away.

Sometimes, I am not honest. But it is becoming less and less. And I am loving myself more and more.

Hearts bend cause they can't break, when they can't take all that is given to them.

I want every second of my life to make you feel something-something you have never felt before. I think you are special. and beautiful, really. and real.
I hope I make you stand with our mouth wide open and in complete awe. in a good way.
I want you to be like, "Holy shit, what did she just say?" And then I want you to laugh. You can shake your head after that-just because you kinda have to. And I'll look down, half ashamed, and then glance up at you with a mutual look of quiet understanding of our shared sick humor. Because that is how You made me.

I want to know everything.
Or anything.
It is all so big. Bigger than me. Than my mind.
My mind was not made to understand this.
But we still talk about it.
Each hoping our mind will find the crack in the wall.
Slip through. And get it.
But none of us have. So we make things up and busy ourselves.
With disqualifying each other.
I hear them arguing about unverifiable claims.
Realizing science is philosophy on ecstasy as a lawyer.
Lying and extremely blinded by itself.

I'm trying. trying. eating. striving.
I can't stand hearing my name. I'm tired.
Tell me something new and hopeful. Filly my
hope up with something new. NEW.
Empty the rest. Let it go.
My god I'm tired.
But there is something inside me trying to grow.
Let it go.
There is something unnecessarily comforting about being alone.


I know that most of my growth has come through brokenness. But I can not keep myself here. I can not become comfortable in this cave. I've felt around in the dark. I've learned truth. I've learned. But I have to move out. I can not keep myself here.
I am splendidly imperfect and alive.

Dear Tegan, Elphaba, and Maureen, (to me, that's exactly who you are)

I blasted Wicked in the car today and thought of you.

Miss you and love you.

Truly,
Sara, Glinda, and Joann



Those are the greatest words anyone has ever given me.

Lick it.

If you could lick my heart, it would poison you.

In the bible, it says that God hardened Pharaoh's heart.
God hardened his heart. That's what is says.
The bible also says that God killed Job's family.
Not that he let Satan kill them. It says God killed them.
Oh the things they don't preach about in church.

If I believe this God is in complete control of everything, then I am also accepting that he allowed things to get this way. I am sick of people using christian means to dump garbage on others.

I don't want to feel bitter. But when I don't feel bitter, I feel broken.

let go. let go. let go. let go. let in. in. soon.
I must go through pain-not around it.

Forgiveness and trust are different.

Tonight, I just want to cry for my mortality.

Sometimes I look at the words carved into my wrist and I wonder why I feel before I think. But tonight I wanted to scratch them off-so I could get them inked on again. I want to feel the pain and release and assurance and hope and despair all at the same time. and. and. and. again. You sent me those words. You saved me. Do you know that? You answered my phone calls everytime. One day, I called you over ten times.

hearts bend cause they can't break
when they can't take all that is given to them

I want to know why I'm writing this blog. I want to know why I felt jealous tonight. I want to know why I was sad when I realized I'm not the only one holding that title. I want to know why time won't stop and let me run with you in the sprinklers. I don't want to leave tomorrow. I want to be that for you. Because you are that for me.

I am crying.
I am crying because of my imperfections. deceit. manipulation. brokeness. fear. walls.
I am crying because of my mortality.

The stopsign says go.

None of this can be real.
But I still feel. Something.
And something has to come from somewhere.
Unless it's the something that everything comes from.
But not this.

I just want to know I believe in something for unselfish reasons. But I don't know how to stop. I believe in God because when I do, I feel happier. But what other reasons does anyone believe in anything? Or maybe that is how we were created to lead us to a truth.
Optimism.

The world really would be better if we were all bald. There would be alot less harsh chemicals going into the air and flowing into the water.

by reading this, you are signing a waiver.

Any words that I say should never be taken for truth. Because I don't know anything. And I never will. This is because these truths would have to be based on some truth or non-truth in order to test its creditability. So I will need to alter my definition of truth: things that actually happen. I choose this definition because my perception is the most reliable thing I know-it is how I live. It is the basis of my thoughts. I can change my perception through a rational decision based on previous perceptions. My perceptions are the link between the mind inside my body and how it relates to the outside world. My body is just a giant mask for my mind to wear in order to control how other minds perceive it.
control. truth.

let the healing begin. june 18th.

Is it possible for everyday of my life to be ordained. Is it probable to believe that there is a concrete plan for my existence. Is it?
The more focused I become on believing in something bigger, I am pulled toward believing in a more strict predestination. a predestination I created myself, yet is completely out of my control. Today, I felt angst being lifted from my thorax. Maybe it is just the distraction and outpouring of my heart on these girls, but I do not care at this point. It is a breath of fresh air I've been struggling to take. while trying not to drown. The last few months have been the closest to hell I have experienced. But they are forgettable. They have to be forgotten-or at least less vivid. I want to learn but I do not want to go back. I am so small compared to it all.
I am so small.
I like this neverland.

Preface

Shhhh.
Please do not tell anyone about this.
We all think we know so much.
But that's because we all make it up.
I have nothing beautiful to say. I am too naive.

But I'm doing this for you-because you believe in me.

The following is a collection of thoughts. I am scared to share them because then they become real.
Vulnerable.
I'm trusting you.