I have seen the movie Clue over a hundred times.
I know every word and sound. It puts me to sleep when nothing else will.

I watched it when I was by myself on Thanksgiving.
And it made me feel safe. It was familiar. (and more dependable than family)
It was the best thanks(giving) I have had in a long time.

I like comfortable. I need comfortable things. I have very few of them.

The past year has been the hardest yet. My heart/mind/stability has been ripped. And I have not let it heal. I tend to sit in my own despair. I have been let down more than usual. But most of all, I have let myself down. Hurt is familiar.

It is comfortable.

So how do I stop? How do I stop these habits/mindset that keeps me in this place? Just stop. Right?

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day
It's too hot to sleep and time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal
There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

How do you know? but you do, oh you do.

And that is what I long for. connections with people about real things. little by little, my comfortable will change. As I love, I can change. I haven't loved enough lately. I can not depend on people. But I can depend on love. I will love my way through this pain. Not around. Through.