Lick it.

If you could lick my heart, it would poison you.

In the bible, it says that God hardened Pharaoh's heart.
God hardened his heart. That's what is says.
The bible also says that God killed Job's family.
Not that he let Satan kill them. It says God killed them.
Oh the things they don't preach about in church.

If I believe this God is in complete control of everything, then I am also accepting that he allowed things to get this way. I am sick of people using christian means to dump garbage on others.

I don't want to feel bitter. But when I don't feel bitter, I feel broken.

let go. let go. let go. let go. let in. in. soon.
I must go through pain-not around it.

Forgiveness and trust are different.

Tonight, I just want to cry for my mortality.

Sometimes I look at the words carved into my wrist and I wonder why I feel before I think. But tonight I wanted to scratch them off-so I could get them inked on again. I want to feel the pain and release and assurance and hope and despair all at the same time. and. and. and. again. You sent me those words. You saved me. Do you know that? You answered my phone calls everytime. One day, I called you over ten times.

hearts bend cause they can't break
when they can't take all that is given to them

I want to know why I'm writing this blog. I want to know why I felt jealous tonight. I want to know why I was sad when I realized I'm not the only one holding that title. I want to know why time won't stop and let me run with you in the sprinklers. I don't want to leave tomorrow. I want to be that for you. Because you are that for me.

I am crying.
I am crying because of my imperfections. deceit. manipulation. brokeness. fear. walls.
I am crying because of my mortality.

The stopsign says go.

None of this can be real.
But I still feel. Something.
And something has to come from somewhere.
Unless it's the something that everything comes from.
But not this.

I just want to know I believe in something for unselfish reasons. But I don't know how to stop. I believe in God because when I do, I feel happier. But what other reasons does anyone believe in anything? Or maybe that is how we were created to lead us to a truth.
Optimism.

The world really would be better if we were all bald. There would be alot less harsh chemicals going into the air and flowing into the water.

by reading this, you are signing a waiver.

Any words that I say should never be taken for truth. Because I don't know anything. And I never will. This is because these truths would have to be based on some truth or non-truth in order to test its creditability. So I will need to alter my definition of truth: things that actually happen. I choose this definition because my perception is the most reliable thing I know-it is how I live. It is the basis of my thoughts. I can change my perception through a rational decision based on previous perceptions. My perceptions are the link between the mind inside my body and how it relates to the outside world. My body is just a giant mask for my mind to wear in order to control how other minds perceive it.
control. truth.

let the healing begin. june 18th.

Is it possible for everyday of my life to be ordained. Is it probable to believe that there is a concrete plan for my existence. Is it?
The more focused I become on believing in something bigger, I am pulled toward believing in a more strict predestination. a predestination I created myself, yet is completely out of my control. Today, I felt angst being lifted from my thorax. Maybe it is just the distraction and outpouring of my heart on these girls, but I do not care at this point. It is a breath of fresh air I've been struggling to take. while trying not to drown. The last few months have been the closest to hell I have experienced. But they are forgettable. They have to be forgotten-or at least less vivid. I want to learn but I do not want to go back. I am so small compared to it all.
I am so small.
I like this neverland.

Preface

Shhhh.
Please do not tell anyone about this.
We all think we know so much.
But that's because we all make it up.
I have nothing beautiful to say. I am too naive.

But I'm doing this for you-because you believe in me.

The following is a collection of thoughts. I am scared to share them because then they become real.
Vulnerable.
I'm trusting you.