I have seen the movie Clue over a hundred times.
I know every word and sound. It puts me to sleep when nothing else will.

I watched it when I was by myself on Thanksgiving.
And it made me feel safe. It was familiar. (and more dependable than family)
It was the best thanks(giving) I have had in a long time.

I like comfortable. I need comfortable things. I have very few of them.

The past year has been the hardest yet. My heart/mind/stability has been ripped. And I have not let it heal. I tend to sit in my own despair. I have been let down more than usual. But most of all, I have let myself down. Hurt is familiar.

It is comfortable.

So how do I stop? How do I stop these habits/mindset that keeps me in this place? Just stop. Right?

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day
It's too hot to sleep and time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal
There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

How do you know? but you do, oh you do.

And that is what I long for. connections with people about real things. little by little, my comfortable will change. As I love, I can change. I haven't loved enough lately. I can not depend on people. But I can depend on love. I will love my way through this pain. Not around. Through.

the pictures are becoming darker
but the memories are as bright as they’ve always been
why can’t I want the things that I have while I have them
instead of being addicted to the pain of being without them

I don’t know why I look at the pictures over and over
making the pain grow harder and my heart colder
I forget what it feels like to be held so close
as that picture in Hawaii when we’re lying on the couch

because we just got done dancing
and kissing with our eyes closed
the hurt is so sharp that it doesn’t seem real
that my heart could have really gone that far

I’m singing the blues tonight
With a heart so heavy that I can’t escape
the pictures proving my complete trust in you
my heart has bended more than it can take

I can’t be angry tonight
because all I can think of is how happy I was with you
looking at the san Francisco bridge and falling in love on New Years night
I am just sad. completely sad without you.

it has to be better not together because we’re not.
but this suffering has left me with nothing to depend on
and a selfishness that leaves me useless to anyone

if there is a time to live and a time to die
my time to cry has been far too long
my life could possibly be a joke
or a tool for God to prove a fucking point.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to concentrate, I feel like I might lose control of my body if I keep sitting in my chair. At these points, I have to get up and leave the classroom. It is starting to happen more often. Every class. And I think it's starting to upset my teachers.

Sometimes, I text you just because I know you are going to reassure me. You are the definition of love to me. You know more about me than I have ever told you. I missed you more than anyone on my birthday. I think it is important to have days set aside to remind us of our forgotten memories, but they have been hard for me lately. Because the things that matter to me are far away.

Sometimes, I am not honest. But it is becoming less and less. And I am loving myself more and more.

Hearts bend cause they can't break, when they can't take all that is given to them.

I want every second of my life to make you feel something-something you have never felt before. I think you are special. and beautiful, really. and real.
I hope I make you stand with our mouth wide open and in complete awe. in a good way.
I want you to be like, "Holy shit, what did she just say?" And then I want you to laugh. You can shake your head after that-just because you kinda have to. And I'll look down, half ashamed, and then glance up at you with a mutual look of quiet understanding of our shared sick humor. Because that is how You made me.

I want to know everything.
Or anything.
It is all so big. Bigger than me. Than my mind.
My mind was not made to understand this.
But we still talk about it.
Each hoping our mind will find the crack in the wall.
Slip through. And get it.
But none of us have. So we make things up and busy ourselves.
With disqualifying each other.
I hear them arguing about unverifiable claims.
Realizing science is philosophy on ecstasy as a lawyer.
Lying and extremely blinded by itself.

I'm trying. trying. eating. striving.
I can't stand hearing my name. I'm tired.
Tell me something new and hopeful. Filly my
hope up with something new. NEW.
Empty the rest. Let it go.
My god I'm tired.
But there is something inside me trying to grow.
Let it go.
There is something unnecessarily comforting about being alone.


I know that most of my growth has come through brokenness. But I can not keep myself here. I can not become comfortable in this cave. I've felt around in the dark. I've learned truth. I've learned. But I have to move out. I can not keep myself here.
I am splendidly imperfect and alive.

Dear Tegan, Elphaba, and Maureen, (to me, that's exactly who you are)

I blasted Wicked in the car today and thought of you.

Miss you and love you.

Truly,
Sara, Glinda, and Joann



Those are the greatest words anyone has ever given me.